Thursday, December 12, 2019

Why Me??

"God, Why Me? What is wrong with me? Am I not worthy?"
 I have always asked myself these questions since I was a little girl. I would see my sisters and friends having so much fun. Whereas I was called unimaginative, boring, and no fun. Sometimes I would watch others playing and wonder why I didn't find joy in those things. I was happy reading, singing or just being in church. 
Being born and raised in the church, you see a lot of things that you normally wouldn't see. I grew up feeling isolated and shunned a lot from family and friends. Some of it was my choice and some was just how people treated me. As I got older I realized that some of what happened to me was not my fault, but because of my insecurities, low self esteem, and the fact that I didn't love myself attributed to how I allowed others to treat me. 
 Going into my first real relationship at the age of 23, I had the thought that this person was gonna love me and be all the things that I "thought" I needed. But looking back now, I see how silly my thinking was. Here was a person who was flawed in his thinking just like me and who I thought was my saviour from all the craziness of my past, failed attempts at relationships. Here was a person that I put a crazy demand on, making him my complete focus, as if he was Jesus. I was determined to make this relationship last forever and work, no matter what I had to do, say or give up. I did everything to make sure this person knew that there was no one else before them. That no matter who said anything to me about them, I wasn't going anywhere. Life as I knew it back then was consumed by this individual. I became a different person in order to please them. I realized later on that it would be hard to change this negative way of thinking. Life was slowly becoming disastrously dangerous for me.
 Laying in that hospital bed after suffering and being beaten by this person who I gave my life too had me really thinking about the choices I had made in my life. Those same old familiar questions from childhood came rushing back to me. Why did God let me live? Why Me? 
I begin to question everything in my life that had happened to me. I had endured way more before I met him, so why was leaving this one person, who was abusing and hurting me in every way, so very hard for me? Why?  
As I begin to ponder and ask myself these questions, the only thing that kept coming to my mind was that God had a plan and a purpose for me. My life had a reason and me still being alive had a purpose. I learned that I didn't need anything or anyone to define me. I finally came to the realization that there was nothing wrong with me. I deserved to be treated with love, respect and dignity like everyone else does, but I had to first love, respect and treat myself with dignity.  
So my "Why Me," questions became a "Why Not Me," statement. Why not take "My Tests" and turn them into my "Testimony," allowing God to heal me and help others? So I made a decision......I no longer ask God, "Why Me? But Why Not Use Me Lord?"

2 comments:

  1. I knew when I posted "I was proud of you" on your IG just now that it was true. Thank you for sharing your truth and being oh so vulnerable. You know you and I have always been here, (insert eye to eye emoji if there is one lol) and you hold a special place in my heart, so I'll say it again, "I'm PROUD" of you!❤️

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  2. A beautiful transparent transformation of losing yourself in someone to finding your own identity and believing in yourself and standing up a strong woman. Your testimony will bring light and hope to many.

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